Author: mt73hb

November 25, 2019

Here we go again…

So I find out I’m expecting. This time it was planned, but I didn’t think it would happen so fast, especially after believing for so long, it may not be a possibility for me. A lot of you may be thinking, did you continue on your journey? Did you have a healthy pregnancy? Girl, what happened? Well, after finding out I was pregnant, I was scared. I didn’t want to have another miscarriage, so I looked up on ‘DR. Google’, best ways to get through the 1st trimester. I also, in this convoluted mind of mine, figured it would be best to just hold off on eating healthy, and just give in to temptation because it was obvious what the baby wanted! I don’t even know what kind of logic that was, or if I was just really losing it, but that’s what I did! I tell you guys, eating disorders are real and so is food addiction. (we will get all into my food addiction later on). I ate everything I saw, without a care in the world, and continued to do so up to the last day I was pregnant.

I ate out about three times per week, and when I cooked, it wasn’t anything healthy. I went back to eating my favorite, regular-sized Hershey’s symphony bar daily. It was just horrible. I was out of control. It wasn’t surprising when I stepped on the scale after I had my son, and for the first time seen 307 lbs. My first thought, “what the heck, what am I supposed to do now?” followed by tears. Here we go again! I had worked so hard to almost see ONEderland (a term used to describe the number one digit in front of your weight), and I sabotaged myself during this entire pregnancy! How was I to recover after this!

November 4, 2019

What’s next

So what happened, what happened after that daunting moment in my life? Well, I finally took control of my life! God answered my prayers and I found a program that worked for me! I finally learned how to eat the right foods and what an actual portion size looked like. Everything was going great, I was even becoming active again. Then boom, I found out I was pregnant after only losing about 30-40 pounds. Right when I was on a roll. I was scared, shocked, and nervous, but I came to terms with it and was kind of excited. Just like that, as soon as I found out I was expecting, it seemed as if I found out, it wasn’t my time…..yet. Unfortunately, I miscarried but I didn’t let that stop my journey as I would’ve done “normally”. I took it as a sign; At one point, because of my PCOS, I thought I wasn’t going to be able to have kids. However; I believe everything in life happens for a reason! So I looked at the opposing side and realized I was able to get pregnant, and that time was just not the right time for the situation I was in. I continued my journey, because getting healthy became even more of a priority of mine, and I finally got down to about 208 pounds. Whooohooo, I can’t even tell you guys how amazing it felt. At that point in my life, the last time I was that small was back in high school.

So here I am, feeling great! finally feeling amazing about myself, my health and my life. I move to Alaska to be with, my then finace who was active duty Army. He was so shocked when he saw me, that look was priceless! (he has been with me since I was 230-260-280!) We get married, I’m still on my journey and 3 pounds close to finally hitting ‘onderland’. literally 2.5 weeks after getting married, I found out I was expecting again…

October 29, 2019

The Deciding Factor

“Old fat”-Since I can remember I have been overweight. I was a large baby, child, teenager, and adult. Like so many others, I believed that I was born fat, meant to be that way, and will always be fat. I remember the first time I was put on a diet, I was about 10 years old. Simple enough as it may have been, if the caretaker isn’t willing to assure the child isn’t overeating and eating the right foods, how successful will a 10-year-old be on a “diet”. That was sort of the beginning of my yo-yo dieting cycle.

Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to “waste” food. I was told I would have to eat all my food or suffer the consequences. I know some of you can relate to that sentiment, but these weren’t child-sized portions, it was adult-sized portions. To top it off, it was followed by dessert. So not only was I overeating, but I was eating junk and not to mention, sneaking whatever I could, as I learned how to use food as a coping mechanism. Years and years would go by, feelings of insecurity, abuse, believing I was ugly, unloved and unwanted, I would continue to eat the pain away, and eat to “finish” my plate, even though I was full.

It wasn’t until 2012, after being in a near-fatal car accident with my sister, did I have a WHY, the deciding factor, for me to finally lose the weight. As I lay on my sister’s couch immobile, I decided to look at my MRI image (Magnetic resonance imaging of organs and tissues). There it was, in plain black and white, what I really looked like. I was 283 lbs and I couldn’t believe this is how I looked. Yes, of course I see myself every day, but some things are just so daunting about an MRI. It was just an un sugar-coated reality for me. I wasn’t thick, chubby, big, plump, I was that MRI image. To make matters worse, I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea and pre-diabetic about 8 months back. To be honest, there’s a possibility that I could’ve had diabetes, because after my Dr. told me I never went back, and I just got bigger. She also told me I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). So not only am I morbidly obese, but this disease may make it even harder to lose weight and possibly have an effect on my fertility??? The MRI and diagnosis *was my why* to start my journey. That night after looking at my MRI image, I cried. I mean ugly cry, balled my eyes out to God and asked him for help. I just wanted to lose weight, something that was easy for me, something that I can do, because I hated living the way I was…..